By Anh Trinh
Like many Christians, I’ve struggled with believing that God is big enough to solve my problems. Conventional Christian wisdom would tell me that, yes, God is omniscient and all powerful but frequently have a hard time believing God really can solve all my issues. Deep down inside, I do believe that he can but my lack of faith is an immense roadblock to true faith.
Please indulge my self-pity for a bit here because I will try to explain my poor faith. I’ve grown up always believing that my struggles as a poor Chinese immigrant was unfair. I was a very depressed child because I never had what my friends had or could participate in certain things that they did. I was bitter and angry about my disposition in life. Needless to say, I was focusing on all the negative things. So when I committed my life to Jesus, I was hoping for miracles to happen. Yes, the miracles that involved many luxuries that the world can offer. It didn’t take long for me to find out that God was not in the business of getting me what I want in this world. He was here to heal me.
Time and time again, I would remind myself of the truth about Jesus’s purpose on this earth. Jesus is not Santa Claus and he will not bring me the things I coveted. It took me some time to even believe that Jesus listens to my cries. My prayer life is very poor and that is mainly due to my lack in faith. Most of the time, I just don’t see God working. I’ve always blamed God for not revealing himself to me. I was angry at God for allowing so many terrible things to happen in my personal life and the lives around me. I was even angry at God for weeks after the Sandy Hook tragedy occurred. I didn’t know how to process all those emotions so the easiest course was to blame God. Most of all, I was angry at Him for not responding to my prayers. Or did he?
Lately, I’ve started to have some true revelations from God. It was after a moment of rage and anguish during my prayer time in my car that I felt God calming me down. For once, I prayed with conviction and desire that God finally said, yes, I will respond. Maybe he responded before but I was too ignorant to hear his voice. Or maybe God finally decided to answer me after I actually decided to take prayer seriously and truly desired for his attention. Whatever it was, God began to answer my prayers. Some of his answers were obviously not what I wanted but it was God’s will. Some other answers involved great blessings. Whatever the answer was, God spoke to me. The God of the Universe responded to this wretch and poured out his love on me. I didn’t know how else to respond but with praise.
So did that increase my faith? I don’t know but I was ashamed to say that I needed to see to believe. By definition, that is not true faith. As I continue to struggle with my weakness in faith, my hope is that I will learn to experience more of God’s love without wrongfully accusing Him of indifference and lacking in love. On that note, I’m going to meditate on John 3:16 some more.